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she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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