I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
