dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
