You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
