You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
