she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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