this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
