I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
