Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
