No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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