You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
