I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
