You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im six kinds of drunk right now
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
