It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
