At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
