i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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