I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
