guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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