it was like eating out sand paper
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
