I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
