I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
