On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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