You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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