i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
