I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
