There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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