The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
