Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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