Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
