If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
