just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
