fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Welp...herpes.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
