1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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