did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
