his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
