I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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