im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
