Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
