I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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