i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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