im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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