she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
