Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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