thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
"it" just moved
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
