I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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