I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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