Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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