Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
