if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
