Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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